Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
