# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
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