she woke up with a sticky ear
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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