I think I won the penis lottery.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
