yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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