FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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