Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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