I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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