She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
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