So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
