I cockslap morals
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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