i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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