Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
