Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Randomize
