dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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