One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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