I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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