I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Randomize
