get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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