i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
