i just had sex bonerless
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Randomize
