Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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