she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
