drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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