I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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