Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
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