We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
