apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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