The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
We had sex on a dog bed..
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Randomize
