Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
