A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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