Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
