My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
