yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I'm gonna have a badass scar
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
