I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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