Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
