smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I had to cum in my sink.
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