i would punch a child for taco bell
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
