That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
