You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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