You can't motorboat a personality
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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