I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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