In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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