friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
