Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Randomize
