bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
