Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
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