she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
