Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
