I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
the condom got lost in my hair
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
