Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
