Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
My liver just broke up with me...
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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