roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
