Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
