I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
