'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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