theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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